Why "negative" emotions aren't negative

In this blog post I will be talking to you about emotional agility and why all our emotions are important, even the ones we consider "negative".

I don't like the term "negative" (who does?!) - but here I will be specifically discussing the way in which we describe, experience and deal with emotions. The terms pleasant and unpleasant seem more appropriate to me when it comes to emotions, as every emotion has its purpose and we should acknowledge and listen to them all for they all have something to tell us, even, and especially, the ones that cause suffering. Emotions are therefore neither positive or negative per se, they are rather pleasant or unpleasant.

Firstly, what exactly is an emotion?

An emotion is a mental state variously associated with thoughts, feelings, behavioural responses, and a degree of pleasure or displeasure - hence why I prefer the terms pleasant and unpleasant as opposed to positive and negative.

The 6 basic and primal emotions are: Anger, Fear, Surprise, Disgust, Joy and Sadness. Obviously there are many more as you'll notice in the wheel below but these are just the basic, universal ones.

Plutchik's wheel

Initially, emotions were designed to help us adapt to our environment but they also play many other purposes and they can tell us a lot, especially if we look deeper. If we feel continually or often sad in a relationship for example, then we will be more inclined to review or end that relationship, so that initially unpleasant emotion, as you can see, had a positive and healthy purpose and outcome. All emotions deserve to be acknowledged (at the very least), accepted and possibly understood. It's on the contrary the way we deal with our emotions that can complicate things, especially if our coping strategies or emotional responses are out of proportion or dysfunctional. Even with that in mind, each emotion, feeling, thought, mood, sentiment or whatever you want to call it (they are are related) have something, often important, to tell us.

Unfortunately, in today's western society, success often rhymes with "happiness". In other words, if you're not happy all the time then you're a failure (so to speak). This is obviously entirely false because if we were to be always happy there would be a serious problem as us humans were designed to experience an array of emotions which means that it is totally natural and healthy to feel sadness, grief, anger etc from time to time, depending on the situation. Emotions are therefore all "positive" despite their sometimes unpleasant nature. Its' when they become chronic or if they are related to an illness (depression for example) that they become dysfunctional or "negative". In magazines, some books and on TV we see or hear the word "Happiness" everywhere, it's really become a dictatorship; as in we should all obey to being happy or at least striving to be continually and no matter what, and if we aren't constantly happy then there must be something wrong with us.

When I was younger, I was sucked into this dictatorship (that success = always being happy, no matter what). Every day I would put on a brave face and when my friends would ask me how I was doing I'd (with a big fake grin on my face) say "Absolutely great" - sounds almost cringey when I think of it now. I was blatantly lying to them but mainly to myself, and every day I'd have the same response - they must have thought I was taking something drug-wise... (I wasn't of course - I was just trying to be strong and "happy" no matter what).

It got tiring and I felt, deep down, that my initial sadness was actually getting worse despite my arduous efforts in me hiding it so well. That made me feel like even more of a "failure" and I ended up having a mental breakdown and not even going to my final exams. Things only started looking up when I looked at my emotions straight in the face and tried to understand them instead of running away from them, hiding them and lying to myself. Once I had began doing that (it took a while) I was finally experiencing emotional agility and when I did feel positive emotions it was for real. As they say, without rain the flowers wouldn't grow and the grass wouldn't be green. The same goes for our emotions; we need them all - they all serve a purpose and without the unpleasant ones, the pleasant ones wouldn't feel so good or be so authentic and profound...

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It's natural to want to be happy, it is after all a very pleasant emotion (along with joy, contentment, serenity etc) but wanting to be happy or in a pleasant emotional state absolutely all the time and no matter what is by far unhealthy and abnormal so whatever you do, don't give in to the "dictatorship" of happiness, because it's a lure! It is simply not normal or healthy to "feel good" all the time so why not stop desperately trying to and accept your emotions and listen to them. By listening to them (and possibly trying to decode their reason and purpose) you will actually be helping yourself towards, ultimately, being in a better, more pleasant mental state. It sounds paradoxal but it's true!

Meditation, for example, teaches us to sit with our emotions (literally and figuratively), and in doing so we can become stronger, less reactive, more resilient and patient, which in turn will let us deal with our emotions better and not react in ways we might regret later. Remember: The problem is not the emotion in itself, the (potential) problem is the way we deal with it. We must neither run away from our emotions, nor overreact or be impulsive. Give yourself time to acknowlege, accept, listen to and hopefully understand your emotions and you will grow in emotional intelligence and agility, both of which will increase the quality of your emotional life. It doesn't happen overnight, but with regular training - a lot of us are not used to doing so - you will undoubtedly see positive and noticeable results. Also, it has been proven that if we leave an emotion completely alone (no dwelling on it, ruminating or exacerbating it) then it only lasts 3 seconds, it sounds somewhat unbelievable but it's apparently true. With this in mind, when we are experiencing an unpleasant emotion we could try and remember the impermanent nature of life in general and say to ourselves something like "This too, shall pass" in order to reassure ourselves and take some distance from our emotional suffering.

Also remember that the more you deny your emotions the more power you give them. By accepting your emotional life, you are affirming your full humanity. Emotional acceptance is thus a far better strategy than avoidance.

Good luck and if you've learned one thing from this post then make it in not striving to be happy in all circumstances and "no matter what" - cultivating happiness is completely different though - it is obviously a positive and constructive process - and I'll talk about that in another post ;)

Take care and see you soon! Xoxox

Bisous, Phoebe

#psychology #emotions #emotionalagility #emotionalintelligence #new #mindfulness #meditation #wellbeing #mentalhealth #blog